Alice Springs to Darwin

What do you call a tour guide that hasn’t yet qualified to guide in the National Parks?
Answer: A bus driver.

In the Vortex, an “adventure tour” to Darwin is a bus trip with scenic rest stops. Half the group consisted of a family from the UK, traveling in Australia, getting in touch with their roots: the parents, Fiona and Ian; two charming daughters, Carita and Rox; Rox's friend, Max (also charming); and brother -- ‘mad-dog’—David (less charming). My first thought: “great, I’m traveling with the Brady Bunch.” But they turned out to be a good bunch, although ‘mad dog’ did almost get me killed in Katharine Gorge. – I think I promised not to tell. Don’t remember much of the rest of the group except for Randal, an artist that was working through a dry spell. Randal was soon to experience a life altering epiphany. For the moment he was a good drinking buddy.

The second stop on our adventure (the first was a rock marking where a telegraph station used to be) was Elliot, just a few sun-bleached wooden houses clustered near the road, plus a petrol station with a bathroom. Elliot's the place with the most UFO sightings in OZ and to commemorate it, there is a tin space ship and 2 green papier-mâché extraterrestrials in front of the petrol station shop. Thank goodness it’s not as overrun as Roswell Arizona.

We stopped for lunch at the Devils Marbles.

The next leg of our adventure was a tour of a "working gold mine", run by mining enthusiasts – similar to train spotters in the UK in that they are nice, well-meaning people, but the object of their passion has limited interest to the population at large. The tour was ideal for the families traveling with 7 year olds; unfortunately, we had none with us. We obediently put on our hard hats and ear protection, and trudged to the mine. The woman giving the tour was enthusiastic to a fault. I liked her, but I'm attracted to the fringe.

She explained the working hierarchy in the mine, noisily demonstrated tools, and of course insisted on audience participation. For the explosives demonstration she recruited mad-dog Brady. She explained how the charges were set and fired, and how sometimes not all the charges went off. Ha Ha, then it was the job of the explosive guy to investigate. He is the highest paid in the team after all.

She held up some dynamite and said she thought dynamite had a sense of humor, and that she always imagined it went something like this; “hee he, he hee ha..."

Everyone smiled

"hee HEE, ha HAA Haa ha..."

We still smiled.

“Hee, he he Haa ha…”

Some stopped smiling.

"Haw HAW Hee, haa hee", people began to back down the mine shaft.

"Ha hee ha ah.." she paused, then smiled and then quietly said, "boom".

She looked pleased, mistaking everyone’s look of relief as success of her joke.